i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
