FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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