Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Randomize