I wish I could teleport
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
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