I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
