Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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