Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
