I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
