Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
