I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
