idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
