8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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