whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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