just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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