so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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