there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
