just come out here and I will go home with you...
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
