He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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