There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
