Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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