TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
