How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
