Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
