My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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