WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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