So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
