life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
kristin has been a bad kristin
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
