I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
