I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
