Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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