Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
