she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
