oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
