I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
