would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
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