Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
