you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
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