Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
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