I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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