Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
