I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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