I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
