I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
You took a bar mat shot.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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