I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Randomize
