I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
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