This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
