how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
