i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
