accomplished twins. life is a go
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Randomize
