Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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