YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
