I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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