Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
