I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
