he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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