Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home