so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
