i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Randomize
